The Chronology of The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota

The Chronology of The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota

Been a ridiculous amount of time since I posted anything on my blog, so instead of talking about my work, the state of AI coming from deep in the beating heart of the AI doom train, or anything else that would be of interest to friends, family, or random readers, I thought I’d burn a few minutes on a Weird Al Yankovic opus, “The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota.”

Truth be told our water heater broke at some point and we just found more fucking water in the fucking basement and, guys, water was a mistake. So I’m taking a little break, as a treat, to just kill some time. Also I woke up with the song in my head and, despite knowing every word to the song and being able to sing along to it in its entire six minute, 48 second glory, I never thought much about the timeline the song lays out.

I’ll refer to the lyrics periodically, you can find them on Genius, at least until the site folds or turns into a fashion brand with an AI focus or whatever.

The ball itself is located in Darwin, Minnesota. It’s still there. I would like to go next time I’m in Minnesota, and sort of annoyed at myself that I’ve not done so yet given ample opportunity.

The Trip

Oh, we couldn’t wait to get there So we drove straight through for three whole days and nights Of course, we stopped for more pickled wieners now and then

This is going to come up later, but we can presume the narrator (let’s just call him “Al”) has a bit of a lead foot. The family is loaded into a “[19]53 DeSoto”, I’m speculating this is the DeSoto Firedome, presumably of the station wagon variety (pictured above, thanks Wikipedia). It had a top speed of 100 mph, but let’s assume Al is comfortable doing 70-75 mph on the highway. Obviously the lyrics here take some creative liberties, but “we drove straight through” implies very minimal stopping. Maybe motels for just long enough to sleep. Take other rest breaks, stretch breaks into account and you’re talking about time-on-the-road around 14 hours / day at minimum. Say 12 hours on the highway, let’s be conservative. At 12 hours of highway driving at about 70mph you would have traveled 2,500 miles in those three days.

Where the fuck were they coming from?

From Seattle, this is about a 1,900 mile drive (not air distance, drive.) Similar distance from Los Angeles. Miami? Not even 1800 miles. Maine? Nope, 1600 or so. They were clearly not Canadian, nor Mexican. Juneau, Alaska is about 2600 miles away though. Hell of a road trip. Pickled weiners were enjoyed by all, at least.

So let’s just say there’s some creative liberties taken here. That’s fine. I’m pretty sure they weren’t road-tripping from Juneau.

The Arrival

This is actually the very clever part of the chronology of this song, and I’d never thought about it before (I mean, why would you?). Let’s break this down.

Well, we crossed the state line about 6:39 And we saw the sign that said, “Twine Ball exit, fifty miles”

Great, distance provided, “time zero” timestamp also given. How much time do we have?

Yes, on these hallowed grounds Open ten to eight on weekdays In a little shrine under a makeshift pagoda

Better hoof it, Al!

Finally, at 7:37 early Wednesday evening As the sun was setting in the Minnesota sky Out in the distance, on the horizon It appeared to me like a vision before my unbelieving eyes

You just made it! Assume they parked and unloaded the kids from the car by about 7:45 (Minnesota is pretty flat, this thing is going to be visible from miles away). Here’s where the timeline gets some more clarifying details, and leads to my actual point with this post (I have a real point, I promise).

Well, we walked up beside it and I warned the kids “Now, you better not touch it, those ropes are there for a reason” I said, “Maybe if you’re good, I’ll tie it to the back of our car And we can take it home” But I was only teasin’ Then we went to the gift shop and stood in line Bought a souvenir miniature ball of twine Some window decals, and anything else they’d sell us And I bought a couple postcards “Greetings from the twine ball, wish you were here!” Won’t the folks back home be jealous? I gave our camera to Bernie and we stood by the ball And we all gathered ‘round and said, “Cheese!” Then Bernie ran away with my brand new Instamatic But at least we got our memories

How long did this all take? It’s got to be at least 15 minutes right? The twine ball is closing, folks. The attendees are presumably pretty annoyed at this point. Still, they continue loitering after the camera theft.

So we all just stared at the ball for a while And my eyes got moist, but I said with a smile “Kids, this here’s what America’s all about”

Finally leading up to the genius moment of this genius song (I said what I said).

Then I started feelin’ kinda gooey inside And I fell on my knees and I cried and cried And that’s when those security guards threw us out

Al is evicted, one imagines for being borderline lunatic in front of a ball of twine, right? No, actually.

Conclusion

The song’s lyrics make it pretty clear that, really, the family was thrown out more for being there after closing hours. I mean, I’m sure the crying didn’t help, but if they had managed to show up at 3pm instead of 7:45pm, I bet Al could have just sat on the ground and wept to his hearts’ content.

So, the moral of the story here is clearly that you shouldn’t show up to places 15 minutes before they close and set up shop. Don’t do it, it’s fucking rude.

I’ve listened to this song, no joke, probably 100 or more times in my life (I was not a popular kid, shocking). I’d never really considered the lyrics or the timeline. Not sure why I did so today, probably just to not think about the 238th time this year I’ve had to deal with goddamn water in my goddamn basement, but eh.

Thank you for attending my TED talk.